NAME GAME: BRENDAN SHANAHAN SUSPENDS BRENDAN SMITH FOR HIT ON BEN SMITH

THE ECONOMISSED: CUBS LOSE CHANCE AT FRIEDMAN AND EPSTEIN DUE TO 1:278 MILLION CHANCE OCCURRENCE

BACKSTOPS A GO GO- WHITE SOX INTERIM MANAGER HAS 3 CATCHERS IN CLOSING DAY LINEUP

MIAMI VICE: GUILLEN WANTS TO BRING ENERGY, FLAVOR, AND LIBIDO TO SOUTH FLORIDA

KYLE BEACHED: WHALE OF A PLAYER HEADED BACK TO ROCKFORD

PARAGUYAN FALCON: WHITE SOX TRADE GUILLEN FOR PARAGUYAN FOOTBALLER

ALMOST COSTA THE GAME: COWBOYS CENTER ACCUSES REDSKINS OF TALKING DURING THE GAME

CUBS BATS ARE LATOS INTOLERANT

FULL TILT: PONZI SCHEME MASKED AS POKER SITE OR POKER SITE MASKED AS PONZI SCHEME?

RIGHT SAID FRED, RED HOT DAVIS NOT TOO SEXY FOR REXY

YO GABBERT GABBERT! DJ DEL RIO COACHES FOOFA LIKES HE'S GOT A TOODEE-PLEX

OH DO TELL! ..U.S. TO DEBUT ALL-GAY MILITARY

HELU? IS IT ME YOU'RE LOOKING FOR?..UNKNOWN RB PREVENTS HIGHTOWER FROM REACHING 100 YARDS

GABBERT GABBERT HEY, JAGS CAN ONLY BLAINE THEMSELVES FOR CUTTING GARRARD

THE FUHRER OF FUROR: LOCAL MAN ANGERED WHEN SPROLES TD IS NOT OVERTURNED, BUT GLAD TO HAVE THE FANTASY PTS

IS IT ME OR DOES ANDY REID ALWAYS SEEM LIKE HE'S LOOKING AT A PLATTER OF RIBS?

DAZED AND CONFUSED: CUTLER ASKS FOR TRADE AFTER PADDLING FROM FRED O'BANNION & CO

MAJOR WRIGHT COMMITS MAJOR WRONG: ATTEMPTS TO TACKLE WITH HIS BRAIN

BUCS COACH REMEMBERS LAGARRETTE BLOUNT IS ON HIS TEAM, BUT LEAVES MIKE WILLIAMS AT WAFFLE HOUSE

BUCS COACH HOPES TO REMEMBER LEGARRETTE BLOUNT IS ON HIS TEAM THIS WEEK

HOCUS POCUS: BEARS PLANNING ON ANNUAL "NOW YOU SEE THEM, NOW YOU DON'T" D-LINE ACT

ANGRY RIGHT WING BRONCOS FANS ACCUSE ORTON OF BEING AN MUSLIM AND A COMMUNIST

LOCAL MAN UNABLE TO GET MENTAL YOUTUBE VIDEO OF SARAH PALIN & GLEN RICE OUT OF HIS HEAD

SUNDAY'S TILT TO BE TEST OF HOW MUCH URLACHER LOVES MOTHER

BUY YOURS TODAY

VAMPIRE WEEKEND: TOM BRADY ADVISES HIS FOLLOWERS TO START DRINKING EARLY, BLOOD THAT IS..

WALMART SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR NOT STOCKING MELTON #69 JERSEYS IN TODDLER SIZES 2T-4T

HEARD THIS: WHITE SUX WILLING TO TRADE GUILLEN FOR LOMO

MAYNARD PACKS TOOLS, HEADS TO CLEVELAND TO REPLACE 20YD PUNTER MCGEE

THE MORE THE MERRIWEATHER- ALLEGED UNSOLICITED BUGGERY IN HOME OF BEARS SAFETY

VERLANDER STYMIES SOX WITH CHEN-LIKE PERFORMANCE

CUBS SPRING A LEAKE, TOSS DEMPSTER OVERBOARD WITHOUT SATEEN JACKET

T'WOLVES TO INSTALL ADELMAN VISTA SERVER; EXPECT SLOW PERFORMANCE AFTER REBOOT

USA TODAY: NFL DEFENSES INVITED TO 'PASSING ORGY'; HAND OUT PASS PROTECTION

DON'T STOP RETREATIN'- TONY SPARANO'S DOLPHINS SLEEP WITH THE FISHES AFTER 600 YARD WHACKING

CROUCHING TIGERS, STINKY WHITE SOX: ALL IN TEAM ONCE AGAIN FAILS TO LOSE BY LESS THAN 10 RUNS TO DIVISION LEADERS

ZIG-ZAG CLOTHING LINE BRINGS DOWN TARGET.COM; CHARLIE BROWN PRESUMED MISSING #notsports

LAHAIR OF THE DOG: BASERUNNING BENDER DOESN'T GUARANTEE MORE PLAYING TIME

PEAVY SHUTS DOWN FOR 2011, ANXIOUSLY AWAITS CY YOUNG VOTING

NERVOUS FANTASY OWNER DREADS 6 MORE HOURS OF FOOTBALL TONIGHT

URLACHER JUMPING OUT FROM BEHIND COUCH FINALLY PAYS OFF WITH INT OFF MY FANTASY QB

MCNABB POSTGAME MEAL: COLD NACHOS FROM SPECIAL NACHO HELMET, REDSKINS LOGO DEFACED, WIPES HANDS ON WHITE TANK TOP

BATTLE OF MEXICAN QUARTERBACKS DISINTEGRATES INTO ROMO BRAIN FART FEST

4.92: PEAVY REACHES DESIRED ERA, OPTS TO SIT UNTIL 2012

MARTZ: BEARS WR ROY WILLIAMS HAS A BRIGHT FUTURE AS A FIRST DOWN POINTER

SPROLES, MOLD & FUNGI: BACKUP MUSHROOMS INTO FANTASY JUGGERNAUT AFTER STARTERS STB

LOCAL MAN LOSES 2 FANTASY PLAYERS ON OPENING PLAYS, CONSIDERS RETIREMENT

MCNABB PREGAME MEAL: NACHOS WITH POTATO-OLES FROM TACO JOHNS, BEST SUNDAY EVER

DISGUSTED WHITE SOX FAN CHANGES CHANNEL AFTER WATCHING GAME FOR 20 SECONDS

WHITE SOX WEAR GREEN HATS IN ANNUAL COMMEMORATION OF ELIMINATION FROM AL CENTRAL RACE

OH LA LA BEBE- JORDY RUNS ROUGHSHOD OVER SAINTS

LENGTHY CONTRACT TO BE ETCHED ONTO HILLIS' FOREHEAD

LAME DUCK QUADE TO BE NAMED NEW AFLAC SPOKESMAN

COLTS FEAR TIME TRAVELER HAS MADE IT SO MANNING'S PARENTS NEVER MET

LAKE MINNETONKA WATER LEVELS DOWN BY 2FT AFTER WINNIPEG PLAYER JUMPS IN DURING BENDER: FISH STOCK PLUNGES 75%

WINNIPEG POLICE FIND BYFUGLIEN TOO FAT TO WEIGH BY METRIC SCALE

GET 'R DUNN: HITTER WITH PITCHER'S BATTING AVERAGE NOT ALLOWED TO PITCH IN 18-2 LOSS

DANKS YOU VERY LITTLE- SOX ACE POSTS DETROIT LIONS ESQUE WIN LOSS RECORD

MOREL OBLIGATION: SOX LET LARGE NOSED 3B CONTINUE CAREER LONG SLUMP

COLLINSWORTH ANNOUNCES MILESTONE: # OF LAMBEAU TOUCHBACKS IN FIRST GAME EXCEEDS 2010 TOTALS

HEARD THIS: MONEYBALL SEQUEL TO DETAIL BEANE'S MISCALCULATION OF JAKE FOX'S VORP

WINNIPEG BLIMP: 400 LB MANITOBAN HOCKEY PLAYER ARRESTED FOR DRUNKEN BOATING

TOEWS FETISH: HAWKS TRADE CASH FOR LITTLE TOEW

KIPER- PACK LOOKS "UNBEATABLE" IN LAST SECOND WIN

BRIGGS EXPECTS A FINE FOR EXCESSIVE CELEBRATION OF 9/11

RICKETTS CHOOSES TO BUILD TEAM FROM MIDDLE MGMT UP

JOSH JUDY SENTENCES LILLIBRIDGE TO A BENCH TRIAL